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The Naughty Natal Report
            Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

                          DiCaprio Leo
                        November 11, 1974
                             2:47 AM
                     Los Angeles, Californi

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun       18 Sco 40
                 Moon      15 Lib 44
                 Mercury   29 Lib 45
                 Venus     19 Sco 54
                 Mars       9 Sco 36

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 10:47:00   Time Zone: 8 hours West

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Sun in Scorpio:

Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of

   Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine .
. .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is
indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home
unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an
active mine field because they have decided "I want to be

   Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces
involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to
belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases
like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to.
. .". These are loaded opening statments that sound innocent,
but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over
someones life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working
and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own
the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in
gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.

   The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong,
that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who
liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt,
while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.

   Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared
to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances
are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further
clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the
tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so
desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.

   Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the
time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!

   Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you.
Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in
question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back

   Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and
while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that
can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at
the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the
performance level was a bit under par.

   The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same
dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio
natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want.
Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are),
and they have the same ability to forgive as well.

   The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at
a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage
this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your
fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own
understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the
reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly

   Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run
drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course
are the good qualities.

Moon in Libra:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

  Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native.
Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean
they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their
umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real
emotional crisis.

  "I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra
native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they

  The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra
native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and
beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people
who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the
furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near
kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.

  Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings
and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering
around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.

  You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is
emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep
their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak

  Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by
the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be
replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get
a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.

Mercury in Libra:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends
to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk
about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is
what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Good judgement is present as well as sensitivity with Mercury
in Libra, but they can spend a lot of time on cloud 9, never
having a foothold on reality.

   These natives have thoughts of nothing in general, while in a
kind of laxative state. Making love while constantly in motion
would be ideal for them, and if there is a need to constantly
change positions with your partner, at least warn them, the
turbulence alone could be devastating. They are always trying to
change and improve what was given a fixed number of different
positions, but will that stop them? No!

   They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently
that it frightens everyone. These are the people who are so
interested and curious about what they are doing that they will
drive you nuts asking questions. Read a book! Take a break for
goodness sake. Prunes are always in season, so take a break and
load up. Enjoy the laxative state.

  This is the personification of working in the mental state.
You won't find this position of Libra telling fibs, because they
believe in honesty and balance. Leave the dishonesty to the rest
of the Zodiac, they are better equipped to handle it.

  Mercury in Libra can get lost in indecision and miss
opportunities, so make sure you have a cattle prod handy to help
them along. "Since I can see both sides of the issue, the middle
of the road must contain the answer." "Therefore my decision is:
Ummm!", says the Mercury in Libra native.

  These people are so honest that if you are perspiring more
than usual with a little odor connected with it, they will let
you know about it. (There is nothing like being dried with a
towlette to keep you in a romantic mood!) I'd love to see you
try this maneuver on the NY subway where people are crammed
together like sardines. "Towlettes, handiwipes, anyone for
towlettes, handiwipes?"

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings
satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting
arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of
love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers,
throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting
themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line
foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the
compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going
to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction,
all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker
with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and
onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being
mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate
with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in
lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and
overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to
you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone
for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of
a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart
at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a
concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor
choice of words.

Mars in Scorpio:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions
unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions
desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very
specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the
personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with
their surroundings.

   These people have all the wisdom and smarts of a person
standing in the middle of a field holding a piece of metal
during an electrical storm yelling "Hey sailor, want to fool
around?" Making love with a Scorpio can mean a literal "fight to
the death" which only heightens the excitement. Mars in Scorpio
can be equated to making love with a hand grenade.  Mars in
Scorpio natives are in total control during sex, with whips,
chains or Elizabethan implements, such as the rack, screws, head
clamps, stirrups, and assorted surgical gear.

   Romantic involvements with this person can be compared to the
first person to offer meat to a famished lion, they thank you as
they take your arm off with the meat. You will usually find the
female of the species in the mens room at the local dance club
(by accident of course) looking for action, or in the locker
room at a sports event giving an interview.

   But how do you know this female Mars in Scorpio person by
sight? She is very easy to spot. She awaits you at home at the
top of the stairs (clothing optional) yelling " I love you" as
she impales herself down the stairs on top of you while
envisioning herself saving you from cannibals. You are so taken
by this selfless act of heroism that you vow to love her and
only her all day, every day, and in every way imaginable. That's
what she wanted in the first place. It was just a little
overstated and long winded by a Mercury in Leo. (The writer of
this silliness!)

   Men with Mars in Scorpio handle this a little differently.
You would never suspect them until they were actually laying
vertically on top of you. At that point the light bulb would go
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