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Clooney, George


Text by Astrolabe Inc.

Software by Ray White

Copyright ® Astrolabe Inc. 2001














Planetary Positions




                        Planet                              Sign                     Longitude                Declination


                  q    Sun                 is in      s    Taurus             15`   32'    57"         +16`    30'  00"

                  w   Moon             is in      v    Capricorn        27`   58'    20"          -17`    42'  00"

                  e    Mercury          is in      s    Taurus             20`   45'    06"         +18`    30'  00"

                  r     Venus             is in      a    Aries               13`   04'    16"          + 6`    44'  00"

                  t     Mars               is in      g    Leo                  0`   08'    43"         +21`    54'  00"

                  y    Jupiter             is in      b    Aquarius           6`   33'    38"          -18`    59'  00"

                  u    Saturn             is in      v    Capricorn        29`   50'    45"          -20`    14'  00"

                  i     Uranus            is in      g    Leo                 21`   40'    36"         +14`    59'  00"

                  o    Neptune          is in      x    Scorpio            9`   47'    41"          -13`    01'  00"

                  p    Pluto               is in      h    Virgo                5`   34'    06"         +21`    27'  00"

                  l     N. Node         is in      h    Virgo                2`   42'    26"         +10`    31'  00"

                  j     Ascendant       is in      n    Pisces              11`   57'    37"           - 7`    05'  00"

                  k    Midheaven      is in      c    Sagittarius        19`   50'    00"          -23`    03'  00"

                  $    Chiron            is in      n    Pisces               6`   07'    32"           - 4`    01'  00"



Planetary Aspects


                  q    Sun              is    A   Conjunct             e    Mercury        The orb is  5` 12'

                  q    Sun              is    S   Opposite             o    Neptune        The orb is  5` 45'

                  q    Sun              is    G   Sextile                 j     Ascendant     The orb is  3` 35'


                  w   Moon          is    S   Opposite             t     Mars             The orb is  2` 10'

                  w   Moon          is    A   Conjunct             y    Jupiter           The orb is  8` 35'

                  w   Moon          is    A   Conjunct             u    Saturn           The orb is  1` 52'

                  w   Moon          is    Z    Semisquare          j     Ascendant     The orb is  1` 01'


                  e    Mercury       is    D   Square                i     Uranus          The orb is  0` 55'

                  e    Mercury       is    V   Quincunx             k    Midheaven    The orb is  0` 55'


                  r     Venus          is    C   Semisextile          j     Ascendant     The orb is  1` 07'


                  t     Mars            is    S   Opposite             u    Saturn           The orb is  0` 18'


                  y    Jupiter          is    D   Square                o    Neptune        The orb is  3` 14'

                  y    Jupiter          is    V   Quincunx             p    Pluto             The orb is  1` 00'

                  y    Jupiter          is    Z    Semisquare          k    Midheaven    The orb is  1` 44'

                  y    Jupiter          is    C   Semisextile          $    Chiron           The orb is  0` 26'


                  i     Uranus         is    F    Trine                   k    Midheaven    The orb is  1` 51'


                  o    Neptune       is    G   Sextile                 p    Pluto             The orb is  4` 14'

                  o    Neptune       is    F    Trine                   j     Ascendant     The orb is  2` 10'

                  o    Neptune       is    F    Trine                   $    Chiron           The orb is  3` 40'


                  p    Pluto            is    A   Conjunct             l     N. Node       The orb is  2` 52'

                  p    Pluto            is    S   Opposite             j     Ascendant     The orb is  6` 24'

                  p    Pluto            is    S   Opposite             $    Chiron           The orb is  0` 33'


                  l     N. Node      is    S   Opposite             $    Chiron           The orb is  3` 25'


                  $    Chiron         is    A   Conjunct             j     Ascendant     The orb is  5` 50'



Emphasis in Elements


                  Fire              : rtik                             Total = 4           Weighted Score = 8

                  Earth            : qweupl                      Total = 6           Weighted Score = 11

                  Air               : y                                Total = 1           Weighted Score = 1

                  Water          : oj$                             Total = 3           Weighted Score = 4


Emphasis in Modes


                  Cardinal       : wru                            Total = 3           Weighted Score = 6

                  Fixed           : qetyio                        Total = 6           Weighted Score = 10

                  Mutable       : pljk$                          Total = 5           Weighted Score = 8



Weights Used Above



              Sun               = 3       Moon          = 3       Mercury       = 2       Venus            = 2

              Mars             = 2       Jupiter          = 1       Saturn          = 1       Uranus          = 1

              Neptune        = 1       Pluto            = 1       N. Node      = 1       Ascendant     = 3

              Midheaven    = 3       Chiron         = 0      


[Disclaimer: Rated NC-17
If you are looking for a romantic, lovey-dovey astrology report, you won’t find it within these pages.  Please keep in mind all of the kinky, spirited and feisty remarks you will read are only intended in the spirit of fun, and are only suggestions for ways to play and perhaps challenge your boundaries.  Feel free to happily ignore all wet and salacious remarks that do not apply.]















Herein lies the Gate to your Sexual Self
Its scent is musky and its feel is moist.  Its song is sweet and trembling, feverish and blinding, dark and tormenting, frigid and cold.  If you read things here that furrow your brow, causing a crease that looks remarkably like a little man in a boat, this is a sign from the gods that you are about to learn something momentous!  Brace your buttocks in your chair!  Should you not be in the mood to knock on the limbic door of your inner brain, quickly shut this report!  No one need ever know…



The Building Blocks Of Your Nature

You have a lot of planets in the earth signs in your chart (Virgo, Taurus, and/or Capricorn).  Practical and loaded with common sense, and also with a heavy dusting of carnality, you revel in the senses.  Sex is a voluptuous experience, like rolling in a mud puddle and getting slippery and wet and very lush.  Foods, smells, and touch affect you deeply.  While there may not be too much romanticism in your approach, your partner’s desires will not be wanting in the physical arena!  You may tend to get stuck in ruts, and will need an imaginative partner to encourage you to try new positions or circumstances in the game of hot tamale sex.


Fresh and simple!
You don’t have very many planets in the air signs in your chart (Gemini, Libra, and/or Aquarius).  With not much air, you receive lots of your knowledge intuitively, like Einstein, with the manual, cranking mental process actually blocking that great right brain flow.  Rely on touch and feel and your intuition, to guide you and give you ideas on how to proceed sexually and otherwise.  Deliberate, eyeball-crossing thinking will only slow down the works!  Tune into your partner’s feelings and sensations and ideas that suddenly pop into your head and, using that as a gauge, increase or decrease the intensity of your sexual applications.  You may not appreciate a partner who has steady conversation going on during sex.  A brown paper bag over the head is a helpful tactic. 



Your Scent is Perfectly Balanced and Aromatic.
You have planets evenly dispersed throughout the modalities.  Fixed energy - steady, firm, regular – just like we wish our bowels would be; cardinal energy – self-starting, busy, pushy energy – too restless for real long term work, but great for enthusiasm and starting up; and mutable energy – flexible, adaptable, a real good worker bee.  With these energies balanced in your chart, you are the perfect person.  Everyone wants you!  You have a nice balance of steadiness and solidity for long term relationships, enough aggression to pick up a hot, steamy piece of meat, and some nice flexibility for all those pretzel shapes and eccentric ideas a person may wish to investigate during a night of steamy lovemaking.


The Ascendant in your chart, (otherwise known affectionately to this astrologer as “the Rising Sign”) is your own native animal skin you wear about your shoulders and through which you physically face the world.  It is the sign that was spreading out its earthly influence all over the horizon, opening its legs and scenting you with its own musky peculiarities when you were born.  This paints your personality with colorful symbols, richness and a certain vibratory chemistry.



 “Excuse me while I slip into someone more comfortable.” Unknown


Your Animal Skin is in Pisces.
You are the sensitive, malleable lover, who places the lover on an exquisite pedestal of aquamarines and diamonds, glittering so it makes you blink and weep at the perfection.  You will do whatever this angel wishes, matter how abusive or nasty, and always forgive.  Thus you may end up in rather uncomfortable situations involving bondage, abuse, or occult domination.  As you have a hard time opening your mouth to state your needs, no one really knows or cares what you want, because they get so much from taking advantage of your extreme kindness and eternal giving.  Spiritually, you are the bodhisattva and are here to serve your brothers and sisters.


The Sun: That Radiating Warmth
You radiate heat, which warms up the birth chart where the Sun is placed like a honey-amber shaft of super-intelligence.  It throbs and energizes everything it touches within the spectrum you call Yourself.  To see how the Sun plays, fights and dances within the essence of You, look to the other planets and angles and the house where the Sun has taken up residence, to see what feverish and egocentric interactions are occurring in your baby cells.


When the energizing Sun powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), and provokes (oppositions) the other planets, there is a tendency to energize the Sun in a vigorous manner so that your ego sits heavy and fat in the saddle.  When the exuding Sun flows (trines) and supports (sextiles) the other planets, it gives warmth and confidence and a natural ebullience that can warm cold tootsies.



“Nature produces the greatest results with the simplest means.

These are simply the sun, flowers, water, and love.”

-Heinrich Heine




Your Warm, Radiating Sun is in Taurus
Your vital and energetic glow is earthy and slow.  You like to ponder before acting, and you like to ponder the feel of skin-touching-skin while rutting in the garden of aromatic delight.  “Appetite” describes your approach to the sexual experience, and yours is rather large and continuous!  Stable and loyal, though a bit conservative, you’ll wait for your lover to achieve orgasm, even if it takes some long-term gyrations and other conglomerations.  Remember to use lubrication for the long haul!  You may not have the most creative mind for trying different techniques, and will need to be open-minded to your partner’s thoughtful suggestions, which are only intended to aid you, and are no reflection on your substantial and juicy sexual prowess.


The Sun Exudes in the Second House
You are a steady, dependable, sensual lover.  Sexually and in love, you’ll offer gifts of wine, warm baked bread, dark chocolate, and juicy, tender pieces of meat hand-fed to seduce your loved one.  After all, that’s how you would like to be seduced!  Maybe throw in a heated oil massage?  In bed you are quite attentive and have a strong sexual appetite.  Your hunger is not assuaged quickly!  You unconsciously react to the scent of your lover’s pheromones more than some folks, and a particular scent can send waves of liquid coursing to your loins.  Your partner is a four-course meal that you will be dining on and salivating over, this evening.  This could make your partner very, very lucky or very, very tired, depending on variable factors, and what, exactly, is for dessert!


Your Sun powerfully connects (conjuncts) to Flirtatious Mercury
You are a real mental case.  To think and to convey your thoughts is the juice of life!  Such rhapsody!  You have a way with words and can talk a receptive lover into bed with great finesse.  Depending where your planets are placed, you must watch out for intellectualizing the emotions, which sort of renders them null and void – a big fat blah.  If your lover has occasion to feel that you are being too mouthy or bossy, I would suggest to them to stuff your mouth with assorted body parts to keep you muffled and preoccupied.


Your Sun provokes (opposes) Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
Others tell you lies.  It’s just so easy to do, you are so pleasing and willing to believe the wonderful fairy stories they offer you on shiny aluminum platters!  Soon you will learn to lie, too, and see how evasive and addictive it is.  And thus it goes on… Should you desire another outlet for this energy instead of being helplessly woven into wispy illusory webs with hidden needles, try warming your energy centers (chakras) or doing juicy creative work!  You’ll open up amazingly like a flower!  Sexually, try intriguing sexual scenarios with your lover.  Not only will this give an outlet to the decidedly uncanny energies of this combo, but playing dress up (and dress down), and acting out scenes from your mind and fantasies can really get those sexual hormones pumping god and goddess waters to you and your partner’s delicious nether regions!  Warm, heart-centered energy work creates full body sexual experiences, so please experiment with an enthusiastic lover.


The Moon: Feelings, Nurturance and Wetness
Wherever the Moon is placed like an oozing dew drop, is where feelings abound and sometimes run amuck.  It’s also where you like to do what feels good to yourself, things that you certainly will do, whether alone or with a lover of great fortitude!  When the Moon touches another planet it creates a swirling tropical cocktail of its own milky needs and is to be tasted and experienced with great gooey gusto.


When the Moon powerfully connects (conjunctions), provokes (oppositions), and challenges (squares) the other planets, this tends to give the Moon a more powerfully reactive state (much harder to control!).  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are soft and dreamy, sometimes in a sweet, mellow way, other times in a lazy, indulgent and chubby way.



“I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.”  Unknown




The Moon’s Emotions Undulate in Capricorn
With the Moon in Capricorn, you respond in an earthy and active way to emotional situations.  You can appear to be cool and calculating, as you want to be very careful and control emotional transactions that occur around you.  You do not want anything to disturb the delicate red, wet heart that you hide inside yourself in an inconspicuous, old yogurt container.  This includes sexual control, too, because you want to ensure that the musky honey-love juice drips into your mouth and not onto the floor, thereby becoming a terrible ecological waste!  Preferring commitment, you need to feel secure before you let Billy Goat Gruff out to entice the unsuspecting lover walking over the bridge.  Great for the long haul, stupendous stamina and lecherous to boot, once comfortable, your sexual, salivating grin will be a glistening, commonplace sight to see when you and your partner are engaging in the Rut of Champions!


The Moon Soaks the Eleventh House
With the Moon in the eleventh house, your feelings are friendly and bright.  You find warmth and security in your intimate friends for they bring you great support and love, making your heart sing like one of those orange-colored canaries.  You have lots of sweet close chums and revel in their touch.  They know they can call you for advice and kisses!  You are talented, concerned, and bright in the bedchamber of airy lust.  You may be in demand for discreet sexual activities, because you have wonderful healing energy that can stay clear and level headed, thus stabilizing a turbulent, febrile lover-friend.  Find a lighthearted partner – smothering mothers turn your face pasty white!  You are meant to be friends with your lover so you can explore the ways of flesh together, holding hands.


Your Moon provokes (opposes) Mars’ Sexual Urges
Why is everyone so mad at you?  What the heck did you do?  You are just sitting here, minding your own business, and suddenly someone’s giving you holy hell just for taking up space!  What gives?  You’ve got a lot of excess energy, and when you don’t get rid of it or channel it properly, it rattles around in your body and head, and then goes shooting out and splats on your lover, friends, or family.  And then they start yelling because it has a peculiar stink to it!  To balance yourself out and prevent such happenings, work the large muscle groups on your body until they are stone tired.  That means physical activity, sexual or otherwise.  Sexually, make your lovely lust sessions last a really long time, so not only will your partner have multi-orgasmic opportunities, but also, you will be blissfully relaxed and peaceful, not to mention quite wet and dopey.


Your Moon powerfully connects (conjuncts) Jupiter’s Abundance
When you love, you give big love!  You are the Brother or Sister of Perpetual Indulgence.  You have an open, bountiful, loving heart that just doesn’t stop giving.  In fact, you give so much you may drown yourself and/or your lover without even realizing it.  Someone will have to call the rescue squad.  Your emotional reactions can be extreme and overwhelming - you feel pretty strongly about certain things, and this may be a bit intimidating to your partner when the tidal wave hits and washes them out to sea.  Think of yourself as a river, and you can decide where to channel the flow.  Hopefully, it will be between your delighted partner’s legs.


Your Moon powerfully connects (conjuncts) Saturn’s Restriction
You may have started out sexually, rather shy and inhibited and even frozen.  But that ends when you discover a patient, older lover to show you “the ropes”.  To swing from them with great finesse – learning all sorts of pleasurable things with different parts of your body, inserted in places you would never have thought could feel so good!  Soon you become a teacher yourself, showing others how to learn what goes where, and yes, (you tell your lover), that is an orgasm you just had.  You may have more sexual fears than your average Moon God/dess, but do not despair; by exploring these fears and meeting them as a challenge, you will increase your power to the Olympic level!  Get to know the whole body, including between the toes, under shadowed armpits, and that smiling nether crack that doth call to you.


Mental Expression
Your mental expression articulates and gesticulates in the birth chart where Mercury is placed, like a mime in a leafy city park.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved with mischievous mental-case Mercury to see how you will experience your communications and thought processes.


The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to give Mercury’s quicksilver tendencies, a laser zap in consciousness.  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are softer and more laid back, but they also speed the brainiac synaptic environment up to a nice clip!



“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer,

sex raises some pretty good questions.”

-Woody Allen




Articulating Mercury flirts in Taurus
Mentally you think in a sensible way and have a firm way of speaking.  Your thought processes are filled with common sense, and your verbal delivery is deliberate.  It is almost like you are feeling the headiness of your own words, savoring them as they pass over your pink tongue, and then passing them on to someone else to sensuously explore in the same manner.  It’s next to impossible to get you to change your mind!  You like to take your time getting your point across, rumbling when you speak, like a cart on a dirt road.  Your voice can be heady and seductive.  With development, you could talk your lover out of things like boxers and little bitty G-strings!  You are patient with those less intellectually equipped, but demand that others listen to your wise words, since they do come from ancient inscribed tablets!


Mercury’s Intercourse Reverberates in the Second House
With Mercury’s verbal intercourse echoing in your second house, you are careful and thoughtful in your speech.  Conversing with others, coming up with new ways to make an intriguing buck, using your working, chugging mind is a sensual experience for you.  This kind of activity can be a preliminary to some lusty sex with a little intentional focus, as both sex and money are both so very hot, don’t you think?  When lovemaking you interact in a down-to-earth manner with your partner.  You are practical, liking to structure things so you know what’s going on, what’s expected of you!  Being jolted with a surprise can ruin your mood, quite literally, turning you into a big sourpussy.  You have no problem trying new toys or positions, but if you find one you like a lot, you may get stuck there, oblivious to all else.  Find a partner that gently moves you out of those old sexual ruts.


Your Mercury challenges (squares) the Uranus Wiggle
You are contrary, just because.  You enjoy irritating people with your contrariness, and will do it for a hoot.  It’s possible your teasing mouth may have gotten you beat up a few times, in your younger days.  You are very intelligent, and look down your long snout with impatience at mental boobies.  Restless and breathless, you don’t have time to wait out a slowly maneuvering mind, having much better things to do with your incredibly creative, god-like time.  Endeavor to be patient and also find an outlet for your creative, though nervous energies.  Sexually, you can play with this energy by challenging yourself and not thinking.  Let your lover take over and run the show, insist upon it!  Have them tie you to the bedposts, on the floor and await their instructions.  Make sure that your lover makes you wait for a good while, teasing and getting you wet, and rectifying all problems as they come up.


Desire and Attraction
Your desire and attraction flower and sweat fragrantly through the birth chart where Venus is placed like a musky perfume.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in the Venus pheromonal love dance to see how you will experience your wants and needs, give affections, and gratify your most astounding self!


If you are a woman, Venus shows how you expose your femininity.  If you are a man, where Venus is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your wand stand at attention and perfection!  Venus is also your “Inner Feminine”, waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance.  (Little secret: A man in contact and working with his inner feminine flower is like a man wearing a sarong or kilt – very charismatic and magnetic!)


When Venus powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), or provokes (oppositions) the other planets, she tends to be more feisty and provoking, and has more liveliness to her sexy twitching tail.  When Venus flows (trines) with and supports (sextiles) the other planets, she is very soft and creamy, indulgent and lazy.  The Butter Queen!



“What is a promiscuous person?  It's usually someone who is

getting more sex than you are.”  Unknown




Enticing Venus is in Aries
With Venus in Aries, you are fiery and assertive when in love and lust.  Passionate and very ardent, you will do the pursuing as it gives a certain flavor to the seduction process that makes it a spicy and lip-smacking dish!  Your desire nature burns bright and creative and is filled with enthusiasm.  It engulfs you, and you must experience it, now, and not a moment longer!  Mad, passionate quickies or a little rough handling can make you bloom like a rose or harden like a barrel cactus.  Shout for delirious joy on climax to let the world know how positively turbulent you feel!


Your Venus is frolicking in the First House
With Venus swinging her hips in the first house, you show affection by being assertive and charming.  Your warmth is forthright and open, and you mean what you say and say what you mean.   You are quite a sexy person, and people pick up on this vibe and want to lie you down and spread your legs open, nice and wide for the excellent visuals this allows.  Of course, they are planning on returning the favor shortly!  While everyone may have monkish periods in his or her life, when your charm switch is turned “on”, you are pretty hard to resist.  Remember that!


Personal Power and Sex Drive
Your personal power and sex drive notifies you of its thrust through the birth chart where Mars is placed like a phallic prong.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved to see how you will experience the Mars’ battle of competition, assertion, along with the most favored rutting of champions!


If you are a man, Mars signifies your exuberant masculinity.  If you are a woman, where Mars is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your jade gate open, your flower bloom.  Mars is also your “Inner Male”, waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance.  (Little secret: A woman in contact and working with her inner male cocky ya-ya is incredibly sexy and magnetic!)


The planets that powerfully connect (conjunctions), challenge (squares), and provoke (oppositions) Mars, make him strong-willed and self- oriented (unless paired with Neptune).  Like Zena or Hercules, the warrior stands vigorously!  The planets that flow (trines) and support (sextiles) tone down Mars’ gnashing teeth and manifest a more balanced and less rough use of these ambitious, squirting energies.  This all depends on which planet chooses to combine with Mars and his sexual grapple to the pinnacle!



“Sticks and stone may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me”  Unknown




Mars’ Sexual Urge rises in Leo
With Mars in Leo, you express your sexual energy in a playful, dramatic way.  Confident and creative, swaggering and cocky, you make yourself known to all.  You are expressive and open and will shout with laughter or yell with passion, if the moment calls for it.  You need to be praised for your unbelievable passionate performance, and will sulk and withhold from your lover (not to mention beat them with a wet noodle!) if it is not forthcoming.  Should, however, your partner be intuitive enough to shower you with eloquent and juicy praise, she or he can be sure to receive many puddle-filled, sheet-drenching moments in gratitude from you, the big Kahuna!


Mars’ Sexual Urge beats in the Fifth House
With Mars in the fifth house, your sexual energy plays out in a joyful, competitive way.  You have creation energy thrumming in your veins!  You can create all sorts of interesting specimens (books, art, music), including feisty children that won’t give you a moment’s rest!  Good god!  Unfettered by guilt and other such nonsense, you leap into sexual affairs (of which there are many) with fervor, passion and delight.  Not only that, you are fun in bed!  Sex is an impetuous sport with much spirited capering going on, creative games being played, like “Where shall we hide the Ben-Wa balls?”  And then, “You’re getting cold…colder…hot!”  Constricting commitments and serious, burdensome partners will put out your beaming light, which is to be greatly appreciated (and played with).


Your Mars provokes (opposes) Saturn’s Restriction
You have a push and pull thing going on in your soft body.  "Go, go, go!" it says, while forces you can't control, stop, stop, stop you.  Frustration can abound, including, at times, non-reactive sex organs and constipation.  "What is the problem with them?" you think, as you beat them mercilessly one minute, and cradle them the next, chug-a-lugging the laxatives.  Realize that there is a connection between your sexual organs and the heart, and until this is activated, you, special person, are doomed to periodically walk around with steel pants.  Once you have made this stunning discovery and implemented the heated energetic action, things will stay moving and flowing, with your attention.  Then it becomes a conscious dance that manifests your ambitions sweetly!  In the sexual arena, tap your bottom.  Tap it with your trusty finger or tap it with something else.  This area can become easily blocked and irritable, and people tend to veer away from it in an amusing, though sad way.  Sexually, endeavor to show your sensitive, vulnerable side to your lover, because that’s is really where the heart and soul of Real Sex comes from.


Optimism and Abundance
Your optimism and abundance deliver the spiritual and material goods in the birth chart where Jupiter is placed like an overstuffed and magnanimous Titan, secret gifts of plenty spilling from his pockets, making a prodigious mess around his feet.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Jupiter’s broad-minded search for the sensual meaning of existence, to see how you will experience your own optimism and cell-expanding abundance (and also the twinkling light on your spiritual path).


Jupiter powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) the other planets tend to magnify Jupiter’s generous mood in an intoxicating, bloated manner.  When Jupiter is flowing (trines) or supporting (sextiles) the other planets there is an excessive swelling as well, in a sweeter lazy way, like a nudge on a couch, eyes half-closed, mind pleasantly buzzing, stomach stuffed with burritos and beer.



“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”

-Mae West




Jupiter’s Abundance spills in Aquarius
Your enthusiasm has a futuristic intelligence to it, dropped down into this century from a little space pod, and is a brilliant, startling spirit!  The gift of Jupiter for you is growth through experiencing the interpretation of the unfathomable and far out ideas that flood your heated brain, so others can understand and perceive at their own level.  Sexually, your open mind allows unheard of sexual techniques to filter down into your noggin from the cosmos, begging to be experimented posthaste!


Jupiter’s Optimism pours into the Eleventh House
Inspiration expresses itself in you with a humanitarian, friendly manner.  Jovial and caring, your friends and colleagues receive your rainbow blessings of healing.  It is energy that seeks the bonding and intimacy of friendship and derives great joy and companionship from this expression.  (So much joy can dampen your jeans, too!)  Giving of this great generosity to your friends and colleagues when in need, is your task to perform, and even if it is in the form of sexual healing, you must give all that gusto that resides in your big heart!  What could be wrong with that?


Your Jupiter challenges (squares) Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
You have a spiritual heart, way down there, at the bottom of the ocean, in your seaworthy salty cells.  It beats a mystical beat, setting a tom- tom note into your bones.  There, you feel strongly, true bliss awaits you.  Deception is the name of the game, so keep your channels free and clear, by doing frequent body “washes” and keeping your motives creative, spiritual, and practical.  Sexually, all is divine, if you skip the drugs, wine and food, and head immediately towards experiencing whole body sex via the energy centers or chakras.  This is where it at, man!  You must get them going first, of course, warming them up, so that soon they respond to your call in a Pavlovian sense, spinning in their heated way with a mere touch of your fine, sensitive mind.


Patience and Persistence
Your patience and persistence plod ever onwards through the birth chart where Saturn is placed like a Big Daddy, stubbornly insisting on work and responsibility, the old curmudgeon!  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Saturn’s authoritative, restrictive policies to see how you will experience your need for discipline and manifest great endurance.  This includes being mentally flogged occasionally – by yourself and others – so you get the message!  (Don’t worry, it all works out in the end.)


The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to bust Saturn’s iron nuggets, (or yours!), causing frustration and tension but also making available great endurance and fortitude.  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften the frustration and tension, letting things work together rather well in a steady, productive and practical manner, giving a decent share of self-control to aid in the manifestation of sexual (and otherwise) successes.



“Sexual harassment will not be reported, but it will be graded.”





Saturn ties you down in Capricorn
You respond to structure and limitation in an assertive and practical way.  Your worldly ambition and authority are a sore spot, a point of great insecurity for you, though you manage cover this up by working twice as hard and responsibly as anyone else works!  Can’t the powers-that-be see that?  Sexually, you know how to make a sexual commitment and stick to it, even if your lover is in a coma!  You are baffled and annoyed and deeply scarred with those lovers who are flighty and unpredictable and cheat on your most dignified and worthy self.


Saturn has you under Eleventh House Arrest
Responsibility and limitations express themselves in your choice of friends and colleagues.  You feel shy and vulnerable in the area of friends and colleagues, and have a difficult time making new acquaintances, because you are very serious about such things as friends.  The friends you do have are treated with respect and appreciation, and you aren’t one for shallow flouncing around amongst contacts.  You feel a responsibility to your friends and are there when they need you, by golly!  Nevertheless, you should endeavor to get over your fears.  You have much to offer others, and need to make an extra sweating effort to connect more.  Force yourself!  This house is sometimes seen as the house of impersonal sexual healing by some astrologers, and there is not a paradigm (road map) for such a thing on society’s ledger books.  (Mores the pity.)  Therefore, explore without judgements, take notes for future generations, and remember, sex with dear, close friends is very healing and warm, not just for your friends, but for you too.


Individuality and Independence
There is a natural life energy that is sexual and lies coiled and resting at the base of the spine.  This is called Kundalini.  Some astrologers believe the planet Uranus is representative of this energy.  When Kundalini is triggered gently (or forcefully), it flows up your spinal cord, through the chakras or energy centers and meridians, unless blocked.  Briefly, when blocked, it can cause disease and/or physical, emotional, mental or spiritual problems.


Kundalini and Uranian energy is a sexual, creative, electromagnetic synaptic energy that keeps our electrons twisting and sacredly dancing the night away!  It has an abstract, far out influence that is filled with spontaneous genius and creates a big sky mind (expansive).  It deserves to be cleaned vigorously and grounded on a regular basis so our eyes are lit from within…


Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets that are electrified in aspect by Uranus.  The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to create a hyper-wiggling or nervy energy that is hard to contain and needs lots of freedom to exist in its space.  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects intertwine together better, but still create a Uranian current that pulsates the airwaves and your nervous system, zapping consciousness with overflowing, lightening intelligence.



“Like a fierce wind roaring high up in the bare branches of trees,

a wave of passion came over me, aimless but surging…

I suppose it’s lust but it’s awful and holy like thunder and lightning and the wind.”

-Joanna Field




Your Uranus Swings in Leo! 
Your generation’s sexual kundalini energy is powerful and bright, like a cop’s heavy flashlight directed into your eyes.  Blinding when you aren’t ready!  Your spinal cord, once grounded and triggered gently, can create a powerful sense of inner expansiveness, and also a personal intimate awareness and exquisite touch with the Higher Self.  You need large amounts of sunlight for continuous stimulation and good health.  View the Northern Lights if you can!  At the very least, take a lot of walks outside on sunny days, “Sacred Sun walks” as the intention.  Find a large, warm flat rock in a secret place, in the sun.  Lie on it naked and show Mr. Sun how pretty your genitals are and how wondrous they work!


Uranus is taking liberties in your Sixth House! 
Independence, eccentricities, and sudden change exhibit themselves in your routine tasks.  Everyday duties are filled with stupendous insights and rollicking ideas!  Role playing and dress up, cracking the whip, and setting up fantastic or weird scenes, is actually a good outlet for when energy is rigid and unbending.  Kundalini exercise: Find some soft, fertile, brown earth to place your naked bottom upon.  Using red St.  John’s Wort oil, rub in a circular or spiral pattern upon you and your partner’s sacrum.  Perform sex as a sacred ritual to stimulate your power with planned exercises on each other’s bodies, while listening to drumming music.  With your attention on your heart area, go to the far out places the energy takes you.


Creativity and Illusion
Your creativity and illusion exude forth through the birth chart where Neptune is placed, like a vibrational bath with oily colors fluctuating and shifting over the surface.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Neptune’s weeping rainbow of inspiration and foolishness, to see how you will experience your creativity and illusion.  Musical, mystical and dancerly, Neptune escapes the reality of this world in many ways, including sleepiness, drugs, and instants of insanity and autism.


The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to diffuse and confuse (read: denial) normal planetary energy patterns, though they do give extraordinary shots of colorful, mystical and creative experiences!  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are deceptive and hypnotizing, in a lazy, glazed, but inspiring way.  Neptune does not respond to the usual practical applications the other planets do.  Neptune does respond to (and loves!) warm, energetic work on the body (which can be done through chakra/energy center work), creative endeavors (ah, music!), and mystical experiences, which are excellent channels for it’s very magical and sweetly psychotic vibrations.



"Lovers, to bed; 'tis almost fairy time."

--A Midsummer Night's Dream

-Act 5, Scene 1




Neptune’s Beguiling Bubble is in Scorpio
Your generation’s sexual idealism and sexual receptivity is deep and profoundly moved by the sexual experience in a usually foolish mystical way that has no basis in reality, but you are the last to find out!  Still, the spiritual-sexual opportunity is there, like the lingering scent of a lily.  Be careful whom you exchange bodily fluids with, the essence stays with you for a long, long time, sometimes festering in a rather yucky way.  You approach your wildly creative dreams in a controlling and manipulative way, but must learn to let go of them so that full sexual gratification can occur.


Neptune’s Silvery Whistles are heard in your Eighth House
Sexual fantasies and idealization play themselves out in your sexual experiences.  Perhaps you think you are having orgasms, but you aren’t.  Or, perhaps you are having orgasms, but haven’t realized it yet!  You can put your sexual experience on a mystical pedestal of foolishness, blissed out in Nirvana while your partner is sneaking peaks at Hee Haw playing on the tube.  There is a yearning for a deep spiritual-sexual melding and exchange, into the cells of your partner and back again.  A veritable vibe wash!  Do realize that exchanging body fluids with another psychically ties you to them for many, many years.  Sometimes that is nice, but sometimes it stinks to high heaven.


Your Neptune supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
A generational aspect that goes on for a trillion years (just kidding), it operates in the background unnoticed unless it touches a sensitive genitalia point on your lovely, pulsating body.  At that point, you would feel certain effects taking place at a deep inner core, where a huge light-filled quilting bee is taking place, amongst the spirits and guides that hang out with you.  No one will notice these happenings, maybe not even you, especially if you are doused heavily with food, alcohol or drugs (you know, the normal human condition).  This miniature, magical Mardi Gras is actually occurring in your DNA, in the spiraling helixes of the gods.  There, the helixes twist and turn to a vibrational song humans cannot normally hear; creating new, unbelievable strands that signify outstanding cosmic perceptions undiscovered by little dweeby men in their white, flapping lab coats.  Short (or long) periods of autism or insanity manifest, and then, should your consciousness survive intact, evolution takes place with a soft, unnoticeable, undulating pop.


Pluto: The Ultimate Orgasm, That Old Black Magic
Transformation and change rumble forth through the birth chart where Pluto seethes like a nuclear vault.  Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Pluto’s scalding cauldron of death and birth, to see how you will experience transformation and change and test your boundaries.  Pluto experiences can be painful because of the change and truth involved, yet Pluto is really your Secret Santa.  Look for his gifts when the smoky, sulfuric air has cleared.  Look under rocks, in between legs, and where the raven flies.


The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend fester and then spew forth in a powerful, controlling manner when in Pluto’s scaly arms.  The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften and smooth Pluto’s continuous, controlling hold.  Pluto wants your vulnerability.  He also wants you to let go of that which you compulsively grip most deeply.  Your primal scream will be heard throughout the galaxy when you finally do…



“Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough.”

(George Washington Carver [1864-1943])




Pluto Rumbles in Virgo
Your generation’s sexual transformation will come about through intense, holistic healing of the mind-body-soul, with great awareness of the moment and cellular wholeness.  Anything that brings you sharply into focus of the hear-and-now in an almost painfully pleasing way is a particularly provocative approach to get at those sexual fears and blockages faster than a speeding bullet!  Sacred approach to sexuality is a major vibrational key for you.


Pluto is Seething within your Sixth House
Sexual power games and transformation can take place in your place of work, or the way you give service to others.  Your boss may sexually harass you, or give you promotions based on your ability to give oral sex on call, or do his or her petty errands.  You may do many things for others, consciously or unconsciously, to keep them tied to you in gratitude.  You will know if you do this, if you find yourself getting pissed off at others when they do not show their appreciation for what you have done for them, so very nicely.  You give supreme sexual service to your lover, in a careful, almost ritualistic and knowledgeable way, with your lover being the quivering, slippery recipient of your wildly indecent manipulations!


Your Pluto powerfully connects (conjuncts) the Sociable Karmic Nodes
Your Quest in this life is to transform others with your extra special experience and dark but positive pricking and probing skills.  When you were born, the dakinis gave you a shaman’s knife to operate first on yourself and then others’ psyches; and also a surfboard, to ride the constant change (and sometimes trauma) that assails you in this life.  So - learn how to surf – that’s when the cool things will really start happening!  Lightening up and letting go is an important skill to learn.  Sexually, you like to explore the depths of emotion and response, tweaking you and your lover’s buttons valiantly.  You like to see how close to the edge of the sexual abyss you can go without falling off, but you invariably do fall off, now and then, taking your lover with you, down into the frothing waves below.








The End and The Beginning
Well, you’re all done now!  And how do you feel?  Why don’t you do a spot check?  First, check your breathing rate.  It should be relaxed and very warm.  How does your brain feel?  Is it a bit tweaked?  How about your beating heart?  Put your hand there for a moment and make it warm with your mind.  Do your armpits smell musky, like pine?  What’s going on in your shady nether regions?


Now go pour all the rosy red love in your heart into someone else’s heart area for five minutes, at least once a day.  Keep it a secret – no telling!  A stranger or a friend - pick one.  Do it as a visualization and then forget about it.  Do it for a month and watch how your body and your life heat up dramatically and sweetly, overflowing like a frothy rosy wave.   You will be licking your lips happily all the merry day and your eyes will shine with otherworldly light.   People will want to touch you and you will want to touch others…


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