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The Naughty Natal Report
            Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

                           Cruise Tom
                          July 3, 1962
             12:00 PM [Precise birth time not known]
                     Syracuse, New York    










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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun       11 Can 14
                 Mercury   19 Gem 45
                 Venus     19 Leo 17
                 Mars      26 Tau 06

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 16:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Cancer:

Cancer - Key words: The Heights of Heaven and the Depths of
Hell, usually both at the same time.

  "How dare you tell me I'm paranoid, and just so you know it, I
know the bathrooms are bugged at work", says the confident
Cancer. Mr. or Ms. Cancerian, do the world a favor and stop
telling people you love them all of the time! God, that is
annoying, once a week is more than enough! Go in the kitchen and
bake if you are feeling distressed, it's the same energy,
different demonstration of affection, get it?

   Wanna have some fun with a Cancerian native? All you have to
do is criticize them. Then stand back and watch them become
unglued at the seams. Watch them head for the refrigerator or
Burger King. It's Carbohydrate time! Remember to buy extra
cheese or keep it on hand for such occasions. Cancerians can go
through cheese by the pound, and it doesn't matter what kind!

   Cancerians are the masters of misdirection and inadmissible
evidence, as they have it down to a science. Everyone knows (at
some point) that they have them nailed for doing something
sinister now and then, they just can't prove it, or put their
finger on how they got away with it, no matter what the
circumstances.

   Cancerians most positive attributes are: Spying and
blackmailing and at the drop of a hat, they will worry about
anything and everything.

   Before marrying a Cancerian, check the umbilical cord to see
how close to mommy they are, there may still be a direct
connection no matter what the age.

   Cancerians are the ones whose desks are always neat and tidy!
When it comes to money however, their hands can resemble lobster
claws as they reach out for what is theirs.

   The Cancerian's greatest attribute to an employer is the
ability to fire people. They just love it, especially when
people have to be cleared out by high noon or face a showdown.
Other positive Cancerian traits is the capacity for jealousy and
possessiveness above and beyond the call of duty.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the
Cancerians case it is any form of dairy product (CHEESE!).
Cancerians absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate
themselves into a false sense of security.

Mercury in Gemini:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind
sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we
talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here
is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   With this placement, they should have been born a computer,
as the mind just works, works, works. Find a way to shut it down
and take a laxative break. No one should have to think this
much. To be, or not to be! Who cares! Get the picture buckaroo?
Overwork is gonna burn out the old porch light! Stop eating
those el cheapo lunches just so you don't have to go out at
lunch time. Eat real food!

   The Gemini mind is always in an overactive state, and to see
a Gemini filling out expense vouchers can be like reading Heckle
and Jeckle, a comedy of errors. If they had as many arms as an
octopus, they could do so much more. Think of all of the real
big foul-ups they are capable of making!

   Toys of all kinds are important to them, and when it is their
turn to meet their maker, the score will be 1-0 in their favor
for owning the most. Their phone bill is likely to be equal to a
Mortgage payment, month after month, after month.

  "I love sex, I can sit and think about it all day!", says
Mercury in Gemini. They are the originators of talking during
sex, and an example would be: " UW, that's nice, . . . so how
was your day at the office?" Another example would be "Lets
video tape our lovemaking so I can critique it later". This is
the person who wakes up their partner and "asks them" if they
want to make love. Take the initiative! Don't ask them, live out
a fantasy!

  Love making for them is yelling at the top of their lungs so
that the neighbors can hear " Yes, I want to make love, now the
whole world knows . . . and maybe they can watch too!

  This placement is responsible for the phenomena known as phone
sex. These are the people who call unsuspecting victims up on
the phone and say "I want to . . . . "

  Okay, Okay, tell me if you have heard this one: "What does a
Gemini think about during love making?" "Everything!"

Venus in Leo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings
satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting
arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of
love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign has the emotional response of a wall switch and
just as exciting. They can be compassionate and demonstrative
when they want to be, and calculating sometimes in what they
wish to acquire.

   The woman of the species must be admired, cherished, and
complimented on every aspect of her being, and then some.

   Men of the species usually lay enough compliments on you to
make you barf and feel good about it afterwards. Love that
satisfies the ego side of the self belongs to Venus in Leo.

   People with this placement are demonstrative and will
probably try to seduce you while acting out Romeo & Juliet, or
some other kinky invention or intention.

   Excitement is the key for these people. Have you ever tried
making love while hand gliding or swinging from a chandelier.
The more expensive display these people can put on to get you in
the mood, the better and it seems the head waiter always knows
these people, whether they have been in the restaurant before or
not.

Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions
unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions
desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very
specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the
personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with
their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for
money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute
themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a
person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a
banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from
them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to
freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same
results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with
no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You
will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When
this sign releases their love making passion, the results are
similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building.
This is to say that when they give themselves, they give
themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for
a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a
slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your
proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in
the long run.

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